cancer // my time

I have this verse on the mirror above Eva’s changing table, so you know I see it OFTEN.

‘Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom.’ – Psalm 90:12


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Then there is this quote, floating around Pinterest and Instagram:

‘The greatest gift you can give someone is your TIME. When you are giving your time, you are giving a portion of your life that you will never get back.’


I’m struggling with my time right now. It seems to be so out of control. Obviously when faced with life threatening disease, you start to think about what matters and it ABSOLUTELY changes your perspective. It squashes the subjects of your worries before (hello, obsessing about what tile to put in the new kitchen and showers and what does this, this and this website have to say about sleep training my baby)… I immediately saw my social media news feeds through new eyes, when I can even bare to scroll through them. It just feels so different. I really hope the feeling sticks with me, too. At the least, going through this has made me look at how I spend my limited minutes, hours, days, years (hopefully!) that I have left. It really is limited. (YES, Shea, DUH!) But lately this has really sank in.

I thought we already carried a SUPER full plate with an infant and building a house, oh and owning two small businesses (with currently very understanding clients!). I even said out loud to Josh, ‘I don’t think we can squeeze in ANYTHING else right now!’ …then surprise: cancer. Screeching halt.

‘If you don’t find time for God, He will find the time for you.’ -Andy Stanley

The best message I have ever heard on TIME was by Andy and if you struggle with margin in your life like I do, I encourage you to listen, it has stuck with me since I heard it over 10 years ago:

What should I really be doing with my spare minutes between poison treatments and diaper changing and the lovely visitors that stop by to talk, help and feed us? Should I be writing, documenting, sharing and responding to so many sweet people reaching out to me? Making it count?! It sure feels like that is something God wants me to do with this experience. OR is His goal for me to be still, rest, love on Josh and Eva and HEAL. Yep. God wants me to do that to. I can feel it. Why is doing both (WELL) such a struggle?

Now I wish I had finished reading that book, BEST YES which totally covers this dehlimma of choosing between two GOOD THINGS. Someone please read this and give me a cliff note version over coffee? or chemo? ;)

Can I find the happy medium? I’m usually an ‘all or nothing’ personality. It’s hard for me to do things partially, without giving EVERYTHING. This sounds good, but it’s not always beneficial. God, what do you want me to do? PLEASE show me. Show me how and where it’s the time to share… and convict me when it’s time to put the DEVICES away and hug my husband and look at my baby and BE PRESENT.

So… here I type. Now, 5am. I should be sleeping. Yet I’m still awake from these anti-nausea meds that say on the bottle ‘may cause drowsiness’ (liars). While I ponder this and pray over it, I think it would be wise to step away from the sharing, posting and blogging for a bit and focus on this question, before so much of this spare time slips away. For the rest of the week, and probably a few days after each round of chemo, I’m going to TRY to take a step back. I’m going to focus on praying, reading, healing and hugging my Josh and my Eva… and turn my apps off for awhile. Then I’ll most likely fail at that, but I’m going to keep trying. :) So if you don’t hear back from me for a few days, or get a ‘like’ on your comment, don’t feel like I’m not hearing you and loving all the loving. I am, and it’s so encouraging. I’m keeping all the kind words for when the cards, texts, calls and visits slow down and I need more to push me along! Really! I have a folder full of saved messages and a box full of cards. I plan on saving them all for when someone I love, and Eva, one day, will need to be brave and read them!

Okay. See you next week! AND if you need someone to inspire you, please please visit HOPE HEALS. This woman, this family, is SO inspiring and truly living out all of their struggles to bring glory to God!

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