cancer // survivor

I was scheduled to have my first post-treatment PET scan yesterday. I was anxious the entire ride to the hospital. Josh was, too. We were both so quiet. We park and walk inside. I hadn’t walked those hallways since my last chemo treatment… I remembered how horrible I felt that last week of treatment. We passed something that smelled like the infusion center and made me shiver and feel nauseated…

We walked into the radiology office. We sat in the same waiting room we had with my family back in January, waiting for my first scan… when it snowed… and snowed… and I had to wait 4 days to find out how far the cancer had spread through my body… I remember all those feelings like it was yesterday… how I had to pump milk for Eva in that same waiting room, and dump it because it was radioactive. I remember how I prayed and cried and sang while I laid in the scanner. How I clung to Jesus, it was all I could do.

Just like the other times before, the scan was delayed. This time it was broken. They said it would be hours before it was fixed (and I hadn’t eaten for 6 hours, like I was told) so we had to return the next day.

This morning was different than yesterday. I wasn’t as nervous or anxious. I had a calm feeling wash over me. On the way to Nashville, Josh and I listened to Joel Osteen on the radio. Josh has been listening to him while building the house these past few months… he may be slightly cheesy to watch on TV, but one thing for sure: he is so positive and encouraging… you can’t help but be motivated and uplifted when you listen to him.

This morning his message on the radio was for us. He compared FEAR and FAITH and said you can put your focus on fear and invite those negative things into your life… or have faith in God and reject those negative feelings and thoughts and invite favor and blessings into your life. It was just what we needed to hear.

We parked in the garage. I asked Josh to pray for us. First stop was physical therapy, then the scan, then visit my oncologist for a follow-up, exam and to go over the results. I had a peace. Josh had a peace. We knew it would be good results.

After the scan, and finally some FOOD in my belly, we visit Dr Stany for the results. We wait and wait and wait and he walks in with a big smile.

The scan is clear! (and we exhale)

He examines me. ‘Everything looks great! We are so glad this is over for you’ he says. We all hug. Jill, his wonderful precious nurse, comes back to flush my port (with the big horrible needle and saline that makes me want to puke) and she decides that since we can remove the port very soon, there is no reason to flush it! I didn’t even have to deal with the horrible needle in my chest one more time!!!

“Okay, I’ll see you back in 3 months for your next scan! Do you guys need anything else?”

and Josh remembers that he recorded my hysterectomy back in January and asked about it… Dr Stany hands us a copy of my surgery on DVD to borrow. I joke that we could have a viewing at our celebration/open house/cancer is gone party! haha.

We walk out… walk to the truck… call mom and dad and sisters… and can’t stop smiling. It’s over. It’s really over… and I’m OKAY!!!! Praise be to God… He lined up each and every person to cross my path and take care of me… in his perfect timing. HE healed me.


This is totally cliche, but I looked up the good ole definition of SURVIVOR…

A person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died.
  • the remainder of a group of people or things.
  • a person who copes well with difficulties in their life.

Wow. ‘after an event in which others have died.’ That is heavy. Beautiful precious people die from this stuff every day, every minute.

As of today, I didn’t. I survived. CANCER. I had it. It’s gone. and I have FAITH it will NOT return.

I know others who said, “if Satan did not get them in their weakest physical moments, he was really going to be angry because they were going to use every remaining moment of life in gratitude… for life after cancer!”

Tonight, all I can think about and feel, down to my core, is GRATITUDE.

I don’t think I’ve been so relieved… possibly ever. I can finally exhale.


This is one of my favorite songs, and has been appropriately stuck in my head all afternoon… all I can do is thank Him.

You’re a Good, Good Father

It’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are
And I’m loved by you
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am

Oh, and I’ve seen many searching for answers far and wide
But I know we’re all searching
For answers only you provide
Cause you know just what we need
Before we say a word

Cause you are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us

Oh, it’s love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think

As you call me deeper still
Into love, love, love