1.25.16
FINALLY IT’S SCAN DAY! They set up an IV and ran radioactive fluids through my veins and I laid in the giant scanner for about 20 minutes. I sang ‘Bless the Lord O My Soul’ the entire time and clung to my prayer cloth. Then we waited and waited and waited to get the results. Josh, my sisters and dad were there. They kept us amused by giving dad his first tour down the facebook news feed. Ha! He said ‘Who are these people? Do you know them? Don’t they have something to do?’ I can always depend on these three to lighten the mood.
Hours later, the doctor calls us back with great news: The cancer has NOT spread!!!! It’s small, and it’s still early. He said ‘this is incredible news!’ We all exhale. SO thankful. Thank you Jesus and Praise God! He says will still need a full hysterectomy and chemo treatments. He wants to do the radical hysterectomy in 3 days. He wants to go ahead and take the ovaries, too, to be sure. He said we need an aggressive plan for this aggressive cancer. It’s overwhelming how fast everything is going.
As we walk towards the elevators, my sweet dad comments: ‘Well, hey, at least you don’t have to have anymore periods?! I hear those are pretty rough!’ He always has something positive to say. :)
In the car, Sara and Lindsey and I discuss how many new hairstyles I could fit in before it falls out, and going wig shopping, and going blonde.
We ate lunch at Five Guys, and that’s when it hit me, over my fries. I cried when we started talking about no longer nursing, Eva. I’m going to miss that special time with my girl.
1.27.16
Happy Birthday to me and Mack! ALL DAY I felt an overwhelming pouring of love from so many sweet friends, clients and family. I had lunch and pedicures with two best friends. It just happens to be cervical cancer awareness month, so I go with their signature teal color. Ha. It’s so good to laugh and be normal and even make jokes about having cancer, like how convenient it will be to have a bag of pee strapped to my leg and not have to get up to use the bathroom! So many sweet gifts, flowers, cards, texts and phone calls. It’s overwhelming and fills my heart. I’m already looking forward to the big 35… now THAT will be a birthday to celebrate! 
Before dinner with my family, another friend came to pray over me, Josh, and my whole family, as we held baby Eva. I felt totally at peace during the entire prayer. I KNOW God will be there right next to me. I KNOW He hears our prayers. I KNOW He will heal me!
As the end of the night got closer, I felt heavier. It’s tomorrow. Tomorrow, the doctor is going to remove… EVERYTHING… my uterus, the womb that carried my sweet Eva. My cervix. My ovaries, and therefore my hormones…. Lord… I’m scared. What if I’m not the same after they are gone? Will there be a big empty space? Will my hormones be crazy? or non-existent? What am I going to feel like afterwards? You just go to sleep in the surgery room and wake up in another room with all your lady parts just GONE? The parts that make me a female… you know, except for the boobs.
Oh the boobs… how I will miss nursing my sweet baby. Nursing her has been one of the most special parts of being a mother. Looking back now, I can’t believe I complained about being the ONLY one who could feed her. That time was so very special and fleeting. I love how much she loves to be close to me, so safe and warm, it’s our own special time together and something that only I got to experience with my sweet daughter. The pediatrician said that once the ovaries are gone, my milk production will soon follow. God is so amazing and creative, the way He designed our bodies. The protective wombs and breastfeeding. I’m so thankful I got to experience all of it.
My sisters are amazing. My sweet beautiful best friends. They have thought of everything. The weekly gifts, the precious framed quote of my favorite worship song. Taking off work, dropping everything to be with me. They make me want more children so that Eva can have this same bond and love as she grows up. Adoption has always been on my heart, and I’m excited to do that one day. Still the finality of the hysterectomy is scarier than I thought it would be. I’m still in awe that Eva came into our lives at the most perfect time.
I am going to trust YOU, Lord. It’s all in your hands. I know you are with me!