I think today has been the hardest yet. My body hurts worse today from the surgeries. The port is very sensitive and sore. It’s hard to turn my head, or move anything very much. My vision is off. I can’t look at my phone without getting a sick feeling. Hopefully it’s a temporary side-effect from some of the medicines. It’s hard to focus on anything close. It hurts to hold my baby. I haven’t nursed her since before my surgery. My milk is almost gone, I can tell. I miss nursing her. It’s so hard to watch her cry and fight the bottle, but she’s trying. I know this is a fast transition for her.
My sweet sisters have been so amazing. They have taken care of Eva and fought her with the bottle all day, they have waited on me, cleaned the house, did laundry, kept me company. They are such a huge blessing to me. I couldn’t do this without them.
My sweet husband has been so amazing. Josh is so calm and loving and supportive. He is working so hard to finish our house, he wants me to have that to look forward to. He worked on it all day today while the weather is nice. We are hopefully just a couple months away from moving in.
When Josh got home, I broke down and cried. Until now, I stayed away from googling my type of cancer. I didn’t want to stumble on anything negative or scary. Today, I started reading about some of the side effects other women with Small Cell Cervical Cancer (SCCC) have gone through, mostly because of the chemo and radiation. Pooping in your pants. Hair not growing back or growing back really thin. Then there is the normal vomiting, no appetite, changed appetite, fatigue… I don’t want to do this. I want it to be over and it has just started. I accidentally saw a few survival rate percentages based on the stage and quickly got out of there. I’m going to be fine. I’m going to make it. I have to. I’m not even going there. God will see me through this.
God, please make me strong, carry me. Give me enough energy to be a good mother, wife, sister, daughter… then enough to still be a photographer. Help me to continue working. Help me to be myself still, to be kind and patient and loving, even when I’m in pain and tired and cranky. Please use this awful experience for some sort of good. Please show me how I can help someone else, encourage someone else who is hurting. Don’t let this be for nothing.