1.21.16
I woke up and thought maybe it was a dream. Then Josh walks in and kisses me and starts crying and my stomach sank, it’s real. Eva was fussy and wanted to be held a lot. We spent all morning nursing and rocking. Josh tried to work some, but we got nothing done. I let more friends know and asked them to pray for us. The doctor called and kept trying to get the insurance company to approve the scan so we could get it done ASAP. The nurse called finally and said, ‘we can get you in today, when did you last eat?!’ But I had just eaten breakfast. I told her I could puke it up (ha) and she said that wont work, we will schedule for Friday morning. I knew bad weather was coming so I confirmed they would be open no matter what and she said yes! I spent the rest of the day calling friends and crying. With every conversation we focused on the good positive parts of this horror story, like our Eva.
// A year ago, I should have had this same surgery. I don’t know if they would have found the cancer then as well, but I know that God gave us Eva first. The timing with the surgery, our mission trip and finding out I was pregnant a few days after still gives me chills. She is our perfect blessing. //
That afternoon, a dear friend came to pray over me. She prayed over my sister when she was expecting and the doctors found cysts on the baby’s brain. There was a true miracle when the tests came back three days later and the cysts were gone. I believe in Miracles. I know He can heal me.
The weather was calling for lots of snow, so we packed up to stay with friends in Nashville so we could be sure to make it to the appointment. We texted Dad that I wanted to see him before I left, he showed up at my door and did the Father’s blessing over me, so very special.
Eva was super fussy in the car, but we prayed the whole way. I felt peace. I kept believing and praying for a miracle.
1.22.16
We woke up to see the ground is covered in snow, and was still coming down. While pumping milk for Eva, I prayed over the verses our friend had given me. The radiology department called and said all appointments would be rescheduled because of the weather. I told him we were already in Nashville, begged for him to get us in, and he said, okay, come at 9am and we will do the scan. I took a photo of the snow from the parking garage at St. Thomas. I thought to myself, this will be a photo of the day of my miracle. Josh and I walk in confidently. I am gripping my prayer cloth.
We find out that the sweet receptionist and 2 other workers came into the office that day just for me. Everyone else was cancelled, but these sweet people at St. Thomas drove at least an hour to come there, just for me. My dad and sisters were on their way, in the horrible weather. It took them 2.5 hours to arrive.
I’m sitting in the chair, IV ready for the radioactive fluid to be pumped through me, praying. Singing. I hear the tech talking on the phone. He comes to tell me the courier is stuck on the interstate and can’t make it there in time with the fluid. We had to reschedule. My heart sank at the thought of waiting a whole weekend to find out, but part of me rejoiced knowing we also had more time to pray. It seemed to be divine timing, it had to be for some reason! This is the THIRD time this test was getting delayed.
- Wednesday – the insurance company wouldn’t approve the scan for 48 hours.
- Thursday – the nurse called at the last minute, but I had just eaten, so we couldn’t.
- Friday – snow.
A friend told me about a message she heard where Jesus used snow to clean the atmosphere before He performed a miracle. Praying for a miracle. Praying for the techs and doctors to be pleasantly surprised.
1.23.16
We had the most wonderful day in the snow. It was the perfect distraction. I even forgot at times that I have cancer. I had such peace all day and took some photos with our Eva.
That night, Josh and I held hands and prayed for at least 30 minutes, tears running down my face. I put everything I could think of that I had ever done wrong in front of God, out loud. I asked His forgiveness for hurting anyone, for disobeying Him. I prayed over Eva, for us to be good parents, to be examples of love and joy and of Jesus. I know I have been lukewarm. I don’t think we have EVER prayed like that together.
1.24.16
Church was closed for weather, so we watched on tv. Pete’s sermon was all about fear. Fear = SELF RELIANCE, Faith = GOD RELIANCE. Was perfect to hear. Four years ago I had posted this on facebook from the book, Crazy Love: WORRY implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives. STRESS says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control.
These past several days and especially this weekend has been the biggest FAITH test I think I’ve had in a long time, maybe ever. I’m trying my hardest to keep FEAR pushed out. It’s so hard. I’m scared. Last night while nursing Eva, I couldn’t help but think about my funeral and seeing images from that. Lord, please please please let me live to see my sweet daughter grow old! I know that satan is putting those negative thoughts in my head. He wants to me to have fear. He wants me BROKEN. Satan, I have JESUS with me and you are NOT getting in here. I forbid you to steal my JOY. I forbid you to steal my LIFE.
I’m still scared. It’s so hard to not be scared. This truly doesnt seem real.