cancer // the diagnosis


We sat down in the consultation room, staring at the wall of pamphlets about surviving cancer, chemo, radiation. In the back of my mind, I wondered how it would feel to hear those words ‘you have cancer’, but push those thoughts away quickly… no, not me!

As soon as the doctor sat down, I could tell he had bad news. ‘We found cancer cells. You have a rare aggressive cancer. Small cell endocrine carcinoma. Only 1% of women with cervical cancer have this kind.’ I didn’t hear much he said, after that. I remember he asked if we wanted anymore children. I immediately said: ‘I want to be with the one I have. Get it out!’ He recommended a full hysterectomy and then chemo and radiation to insure it’s all gone.

I’m so glad Josh was by my side to listen to the details, to hold my hand. It was the biggest shock of my life, and probably Josh’s, too. 

We took some of those pamphlets. We walked quietly towards the parking garage. I fought back tears in the elevator. I knew if I made eye contact with Josh or uttered one word, I would loose it. We got in the truck, both so quiet. Josh pulled over in the garage and started to pray.

He prayed for God’s will to be done. For God to use us as He can. He told God that if He can just get us through this, we will tell everyone HE healed me. For HIS GLORY.  

I called my sisters. I couldn’t even make it through the full sentence and had to hand the phone to Josh. We drove home as quickly as we could, before mom could call and ask how the appointment went. We walk in and I go to Eva. Mom can tell I had been crying. She bawled and held me. Dad walked in and remained so calm, peaceful and positive about it, like he usually is. This just can’t be real. 

Josh and I had talked about before, how we were already going through two of the harder things a couple can go through: a newborn and building a house, at the same exact time… but I guess we didn’t think about cancer. Ha. Okay, I think this is our max.

After Josh and Eva went to sleep, I laid on the couch and cried and cried. This isn’t fair! I have a baby!!! I’ll never get to nurse again. Why did I ever complain about nursing my baby?! I’ll never get to be pregnant again, and I absolutely LOVED and adored being pregnant. I don’t want to be sick and miss so much of Eva’s first year of life. I don’t want to miss ANY of her life. Why me? I’m going to loose my hair?! I’m so young and relatively healthy. I eat organic food and use hippie deoderant. I drink almond milk. I buy organic wipes and diapers for my baby. How can I get cancer? PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS GO AWAY.

Immediately I started letting my praying friends know. We prayed for complete healing. For the doctors to be surprised at the results. For a miracle. For God’s wings to be wrapped around me. To block any evil from finishing what it was trying to do. I pray and cry and rub my abdomen where the cancer was found. I pray for God to remove it, to forbid it. God, please get it out. 

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